All Day Long I Chase You

“You will never have this day with your children again. Tomorrow they’ll be a little older than they were today. This day is a gift. Just breathe, notice, study their faces and little feet. Pay attention. Relish the charms of the present. Enjoy today, it will be over before you know it.”

To my Holden:

Tonight I looked at you my little boy. I mean really looked at you. I took in all your features. Your perfect blue eyes. Your porcelain skin. Your dimples that you got from your Daddy. The little cleft in your chin. When did you get so big?

Who are you little man? My little mystery I wait to fully know.

I watch you, and I think about how all day long I chase you.

I chase you across the yard as you run as fast as your toddler legs can carry you.

“Ready, Set, Go!”

And off you run to explore the world with your Tonka trucks.

I chase you across the house.

This usually involves Mommy trying to put a diaper on your naked buns. Or frantically trying to grab a breakable item from you. Or running to grab you before you jump on your brother.

I chase you across the park.

Why play at the playground when you can run to the parking lot and check out the cool motorcycle, or as you call it, “metersickle”?

All day long I chase you. And all day long you wait for me to catch you.

But I have a confession. Sometimes I am not watching. Some days I never catch you. Not really. Sometimes I go a whole day, and I feel like I have barely seen you.

I don’t like when I feel this way.

Distracted. Tired. Bored. Out of touch.

I hate when I feel that way.

I think it comes with the territory of being a stay at home mom. This fight to be present.

Sometimes me, you, and your brother just survive the day. I get so busy trying to keep up with you two I don’t take the time to engage with you. My little man full of spunk and will.

Or I choose to engage with people who aren’t even there.

I can tell you are disappointed when I don’t pursue you. When I spend time on the computer or the phone instead of learning about you.

And I am sorry.

As I write this you are laying in your bed sound asleep. You had a day full of dirt and trucks, just how you like it. You enjoyed a nice bubble bath with brother. And as I watched you, and looked at how much you are changing, I made a decision.

No more social media on my phone. No more researching articles. No more mind numbing distraction.

I chose to stay at home so I didn’t miss a thing. And technology is starting to get in the way.  

I do not want you to remember me as a Mom constantly distracted by her phone. I cringe thinking of the times you have slapped the phone out of my hand.

I want you to remember me as a Mom who played with you. A mom who laughed with her friends over coffee. A wife who giggled and loved on her husband. A mom who loved to read. A mom who helped you learn new things. A mom who loved to be outdoors. A mom who pursued her little mystery of a boy.

I want to take all of you in, you and your brother, and remember these years with you.

I know I am not perfect. I also know that I need my own time, but I promise you I will be present. I will be here for you.

So run fast little boy, Mommy’s gonna catch you. 

 

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What Day Is It?

Quotation-Tina-Fey-mom-happy-Meetville-Quotes-271152I am not going to lie. I feel tired. I don’t know why I am tired, but I am tired. It feels like everything I do is exhausting. Between the future mechanic toddler who is determined to run in the parking lot and touch every tire rim, truck, and “metersicle” in the vicinity, and a infant who, like all infants, just wants to be held, nursed, and cuddled, I find that my energy tank gets emptied pretty early in the day.

I feel like part of my day is spent in a daze. I thought I was forgetful before children, but I really have reached a whole new level of absent minded-ness.

The other day I was at BJ’s restaurant and the waiter asked if anyone owned a red Charger. I own a red Charger. Apparently I had left my keys sitting on top of my car. I had presented the perfect opportunity for someone to live out their “Grand Theft Auto” dreams. Thankfully someone brought them into the restaurant instead of driving off with my car. The funny thing is the first thing I thought of was that if my car was stolen, my expensive carseats, baby carrier, and double stroller, would be gone. Take the car, but leave my ridiculously expensive baby items!

I can not even remember the last time I bathed the infant. The toddler gets a bath every day because I use the bathtub as a baby sitter, but I can never remember when the baby was washed last. I now have to schedule a day to give him a bath because I am afraid two weeks may be too long to go without one.  I schedule everything on my calendar now. It is the only way I can remember to do things. I have little symbols I put on the calendar because I am embarrassed about some of the things I have to schedule.

Pretty soon I will probably forget what my calendar symbols mean and the baby will start to look like Pig Pen from the Peanuts comics.

There is nothing like a trip to the doctor for a well baby check up to remind me that I may be losing it. When my doctor asks how many diapers the baby goes through or how many times he eats, I look at the toddler as if he can help me remember, and then throw out an answer when my brain starts to hurt too much.sleeping-mom1

I have no idea when my little guy released himself last. I can not even remember what day it is… some days I do not even know what year it is.

I graduated with my BA in three years, but somehow I struggle to keep my life organized with two kids.

I now understand why when my Mom yelled for one of us four kids she sometimes had to say all four names before she got the right name. I get you Mom. I get you.

By the way, would you like to watch your beautiful grandchildren while I sleep?

 

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