The other day I stood at our open refrigerator, staring blankly at the neatly arranged meals you made for me, and I began to sob.
I have cried a lot this past month.
You and I, we never knew there were different levels of crying. Last month showed us what it is like to grieve and cry from the deepest recesses of our hearts.
There is a cry that comes from deep within the soul. A cry reserved only for the bereaved. It takes you out of your body, and you wonder who it is who is making all these sounds.
And you wonder how to comfort them. But it is you.
A word that sticks to the top of my mouth like peanut butter, dries me out like a mouth parched for water, and pierces my soul in a place I did not know existed.
A word you and I share.
A baby that was ours.
A tiny hope, a little spirit, a piece of you and me.
You and me.
It is a pain that takes you to a place where there are no words.
Thinking back and attempting to tell the story feels like falling. Falling and grasping for the words, but all that is left are colors and feelings. Even now, I struggle to put my thoughts to pen. Sometimes there is only darkness.
But in the darkness you were there. You and my Jesus.
And somehow, amidst the pain, I felt as if I was being carried… as if I was being hugged. The Lord tells us He is close to the broken hearted, and oh how we know that is true. He was there, but He also gave me you.
Going to work. Picking up clothes. Washing dishes. Bathing kids. Making meals. Grieving. Holding me. Loving me.
After a week of all of this, you sent me out that day wanting me to have time with a friend. Wanting me to have time for me. And I came home to swept and mopped floors, folded clothes, clean sheets, and happy kids.
So when I saw that you had cooked and shopped and arranged my food for the week so I would not have to worry.
Kind. Caring. Selfless. You.
Amidst your own pain, you have carried me when I could not walk, and I will forever be grateful.
I love you.
— Miscarriage is not often talked about so I will be writing a miscarriage series as I process through my thoughts and feelings. This will not be every week. I will still be posting my funny stories and life as we know it in our home. I am just hoping that I can bring some hope, some companionship, and some understanding to those who have experienced this type of loss. Love you all so very much <3