All Day Long I Chase You

“You will never have this day with your children again. Tomorrow they’ll be a little older than they were today. This day is a gift. Just breathe, notice, study their faces and little feet. Pay attention. Relish the charms of the present. Enjoy today, it will be over before you know it.”

To my Holden:

Tonight I looked at you my little boy. I mean really looked at you. I took in all your features. Your perfect blue eyes. Your porcelain skin. Your dimples that you got from your Daddy. The little cleft in your chin. When did you get so big?

Who are you little man? My little mystery I wait to fully know.

I watch you, and I think about how all day long I chase you.

I chase you across the yard as you run as fast as your toddler legs can carry you.

“Ready, Set, Go!”

And off you run to explore the world with your Tonka trucks.

I chase you across the house.

This usually involves Mommy trying to put a diaper on your naked buns. Or frantically trying to grab a breakable item from you. Or running to grab you before you jump on your brother.

I chase you across the park.

Why play at the playground when you can run to the parking lot and check out the cool motorcycle, or as you call it, “metersickle”?

All day long I chase you. And all day long you wait for me to catch you.

But I have a confession. Sometimes I am not watching. Some days I never catch you. Not really. Sometimes I go a whole day, and I feel like I have barely seen you.

I don’t like when I feel this way.

Distracted. Tired. Bored. Out of touch.

I hate when I feel that way.

I think it comes with the territory of being a stay at home mom. This fight to be present.

Sometimes me, you, and your brother just survive the day. I get so busy trying to keep up with you two I don’t take the time to engage with you. My little man full of spunk and will.

Or I choose to engage with people who aren’t even there.

I can tell you are disappointed when I don’t pursue you. When I spend time on the computer or the phone instead of learning about you.

And I am sorry.

As I write this you are laying in your bed sound asleep. You had a day full of dirt and trucks, just how you like it. You enjoyed a nice bubble bath with brother. And as I watched you, and looked at how much you are changing, I made a decision.

No more social media on my phone. No more researching articles. No more mind numbing distraction.

I chose to stay at home so I didn’t miss a thing. And technology is starting to get in the way.  

I do not want you to remember me as a Mom constantly distracted by her phone. I cringe thinking of the times you have slapped the phone out of my hand.

I want you to remember me as a Mom who played with you. A mom who laughed with her friends over coffee. A wife who giggled and loved on her husband. A mom who loved to read. A mom who helped you learn new things. A mom who loved to be outdoors. A mom who pursued her little mystery of a boy.

I want to take all of you in, you and your brother, and remember these years with you.

I know I am not perfect. I also know that I need my own time, but I promise you I will be present. I will be here for you.

So run fast little boy, Mommy’s gonna catch you. 

 

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Love Doesn’t Keep Score

SO I am back from my month off of writing! I have so many stories to tell! I thought for my first blog post after my break I would write a little about my husband Taylor.

When I was first married, I wrote a blog about our first year of marriage together. It was kind of hilarious to learn about men and how different they are from women. Taylor continues to make me smile with the things he says.

Taylor on having girls from here on out now that he has a son:

T: Sure that would be great, but it would just mean I only have one shot at real sports.

S: Girls play sports!

T: (Blank Stare)

Taylor on hair: 

I refuse to have a haircut that requires me to brush my hair… ever.

seriously

Taylor on fairytales: 

T: Girls who believe in them are dumb.

S: I didn’t believe in fairytales until I married you.

T: Oh gag me.

T: Most girls who chase some romantic fairytale don’t have a happy ending because they are not being realistic… and if there is no happy ending… I wouldn’t call that a fairytale.

Taylor on assuming I know about the basketball playoffs: 

He is on the computer so I sit down and change the channel.

T: Wait no! It’s basketball.

S: And?

T: (Blank stare)… It’s playoffs.

Taylor on how much he loves me:

S: How much do you love me?

T: A lot.

S: How much is a lot?

T: It is a lot. The word is self explanatory.

S: No. Use a description.

T: Very much?

S: An example.

T: I love you more than football.

S: What if I told you I didn’t want you to watch football anymore?

T: I would laugh.

S: But I thought you said you love me more than football?

T: I do. But you are not leaving if I don’t stop watching football so your question is irrelevant.

Taylor on how much I love him: 

S: Do you know how much I love you?

T: Yes.

S: How much?

T: A lot.

S: Oh for heaven’s sakes… ok yes… but do you really understand how much I love you?

T: Yes. Yes I do… Because unlike you I understand the definition of a lot.

 emma

Oh my sweet husband… how I love thee. 

On the kind of man Taylor is: 

I had a rough day the other day. Taylor came home to me in tears, the laundry not done (aka EVERYWHERE), the house not clean, and the baby in need of attention. After surveying the scene and listening to my rant and tears, he just gave me a hug and told me to get dressed. He was going to take me and the boy out for dinner, ice cream, and a Target trip… all of my favorite things.

As we drove over to the restaurant I pondered how lucky I was to have such a wonderful husband. Taylor works full time, and he is in a graduate program doing double the coursework in order to finish earlier. He always spends time with Holden and I. He will help me with anything, often without me even asking. He has no problem helping me with housework even though it is my job since he is working, and I am at home, but when I say something he just tells me it is his house and his baby too so he can help.

So on this day Taylor spent all day working only to come home to a messy house and an upset wife… and his first reaction was to take me to my favorite places? Who is this man and how on earth did I score him? I promise you people I cannot even make this stuff up.

Anyways, as we are walking up to the restaurant I tell Taylor how he is so awesome, and he does all these things for me, and I feel like I am not always keeping up my end of the bargain. I feel like he is doing way more than me in this marriage, and I feel bad.

Taylor just listened to me for a bit, shifted Holden to his other shoulder, and nonchalantly tells me, ” It’s ok. Don’t you remember? Love doesn’t keep score.”

And then my heart burst into a million pieces. I am sure Taylor will never realize the full impact this moment had upon me… but I promise you this… I will never forget that moment. Me, as a young mom, being loved on by my husband of few words.

And I will never stop telling him EXACTLY how much I love him… because it is definitely more than “a lot”.

 

But of course, it wouldn’t be a Taylor story if it ended just there. 

After a minute I replied, “Well if we were keeping score, you would definitely be beating me.”

To which Taylor responded with a smile:

“Oh that’s ok… I am used to always winning.”

 

 

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