Tales of Motherhood: Apathy and Anxiety

So on Thursday  I had my birthday! YAY! And in Mommy world that means that Daddy skipped his workout, played with Baby, and let Mommy sleep until it was time for Daddy to go to work. When did getting out of bed at 730 am become such a luxury?

So much has changed in this past year. As I ponder all the changes in my life,  I have decided I have really gotten into the swing of things with this Mommy gig. If I could sum up what I have learned, I would say that… for me… there is no middle ground when it comes to Mommy emotions. When you are a mother… you live your life in extremes.

Apathy and Anxiety. 

These are my two extremes.

When Holden was first born I went from staring at him obsessively and needing to have him near me constantly… to having a mental breakdown because I felt like I would NEVER be alone again.

Oh hormones… I do not love you.

But seriously… how do you explain to someone without children that you absolutely crave alone time, but after only a short period of being alone ..you have an insatiable need to be with your child?  Could I be more bipolar?

The list goes on:

Anxiety: I still check on Holden every so often at night to make sure he is breathing…

Apathy:  He has started crawling and getting into everything. I have baby proofed, and I watch him as closely as I can… and all I have to say is that this stage is exhausting. It has gotten to the point that when I look over my shoulder and see that Holden has crawled over to where the books are hidden… and has started to forcefully attack Vince Flynn again…  all I can think… without even blinking an eye… is “Oh look… Holden is eating a book again… of course.”

Sidenote: Seriously.. this whole crawling and pulling up on thing has changed my life. Within the last twenty minutes, Baby has already fallen and bumped his head four times… I am not even exaggerating. I need to get the kid a crash helmet.

Apathy: It used to be if I saw something gross I would automatically gag and be grossed out. The idea of cleaning human feces was enough to send me across the room. Bodily function humor was not my thing. And while I am still a lady, I must say that I do not get grossed out like I used to… at all.

I am numb. Desensitized. My innocence is gone.

Example: I was laying in my teenage sister’s bed with her and Holden. We were having a lovely conversation when I realized Holden was about to crawl off the bed. So I reached over and pulled him close to me. I just kept my hand on his back as I continued to talk to my sister, but then I noticed my hand felt kind of grimy. I proceeded to  take my hand off Holden’s back and look at it.


My sister is horrified. Without even thinking I just muttered “Oh that’s what that was… just Holden’s poop. This is why I can’t have long nails.”

The look on my sister’s face changed from one of horror to one of disgust. Sadly, I was not even phased.

She also enjoys it when I smell his bottom or open his diaper and take a whiff to see if he needs to be changed.


Anxiety: Holden has had really bad gas lately. I mean REALLY bad! He has even made me gag. What is worse is that when he passes gas he is LOUD. Like little man baby loud.

What the heck is going on in that little tummy?! We have already ruled bananas as a culprit for some of his gas problems. Curse you monkey fruit!

The worst part is is when it happens in public.

You know… casually standing in line with my adorable, smiley baby… just minding my own business and glorying in all the compliments I get on how beautiful he is. Proud Mama here.

And then it happens. The tummy gurgles… and it comes.

Baby totally rips a loud, smelly one right there in line.

What is a mother to do?! I certainly do not want people to think that I am unapologetically passing gas in line and forcing the surrounding public to wait in the stink.

So I do what any good mother would do.

I explain that my baby has exceptional gas powers and apologize.

But this strategy backfired…

I am met with looks that say “Sure lady.. blame it on the Baby”.


I now just talk to Holden loudly about his gas problems and hope people understand. 

Do you have any stories of motherhood Apathy and Anxiety? Feel free to share!

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