The Day I Got Whistled At… At 38 Weeks Pregnant

Before my story, we must go over the different stages of pregnancy. So without further adieu I give you the 3.5 stages of pregnancy cuteness:Screen Shot 2015-07-06 at 1.21.49 PM

Early Stage- So we have the early stages of pregnancy where you have a glow and no visible belly. It is in this stage that although you are probably struggling through morning sickness, someone might appreciate that glow and hit on you.

Halfway Point– Midway through your pregnancy, when you are rocking a cute baby bump, it is possible you will run into a guy who is weirdly attracted to pregnant women, and he will hit on you. You will be a little grossed out, but feel a little pride that you still got it. Maybe.

End of Pregnancy– It is a sad truth that you must know, but in the last few weeks before birth… everyone starts to look like a balloon full of water. Everything swells. EVERYTHING. Your face starts to look squishy, smooth, and round… ironically like a baby’s bottom. This is a universal sign that the baby is about to make it’s appearance. It happens to everyone. Small, medium, large… doesn’t matter… every lady looks nice and bloated.

***Special Unicorns End of Pregnancy- But there are the chosen ones. Women like me. We take this Screen Shot 2015-07-06 at 1.20.12 PMend of pregnancy look to a whole new level. Forget cute little bellies… most people who do not know us are convinced we are having twins.

We are the ones who rock the elephant limbs. At the end, we say hello to massive swollen ankles, swollen feet, and swollen legs. We take off our wedding rings for fear we will have to go to the emergency room and have them cut off because our fingers have gotten so big. While your ballooning might resemble that of a child’s party balloon, genetics has blessed us with the ability to balloon to proportions not unlike that of a hot air balloon. No stretch marks all pregnancy? BAM. We only have two weeks left until our due date, but due to the fact that we have gained 15 pounds of water weight in the last week… we get the blessing of the tiger stripes.

We are the proud. We are the few. We are the swollen.   Screen Shot 2015-07-06 at 1.15.57 PM

Story Time:

One day during the last few weeks of my pregnancy, I was attempting to go into labor by walking around my neighborhood. As I waddled back to my house with my toddler in tow, I heard someone whistle at me. “Whew wheeew” I immediately stopped. There is no way. I heard it again. “Whew wheeew” Like a penguin, I waddled in a circle trying to figure out who was whistling at me. “Whew wheew” I figured out which house it was coming from, and I glared at it. Seriously? What kind of creep whistles at an enormously pregnant woman who is pushing her toddler in a stroller? Gross. “Whew wheeew” Someone has some problems. I strutted away from the house and into my home. I was indignant that a man would dare whistle at me when I was with my toddler son and pregnant with another.

Over the next few days I told my family and friends about the creepy man who lived on my street. Every time I told the story I began to think that maybe I wasn’t such an awful looking end of pregnancy lady. Although it was still gross that I got whistled at (I honestly don’t think it is ever OK to whistle at a woman), I began to feel a little more confident in my XL men’s tees and sandals my feet fat stuck out of.

Then one day as I was getting out of my car, I heard it. “Whew wheew” But I was no where near the creepy man’s house?

And that was when I realized… that the creepy man who thought I was cute… was actually a parrot.

The end.

 

 

Tales of Motherhood: Apathy and Anxiety

So on Thursday  I had my birthday! YAY! And in Mommy world that means that Daddy skipped his workout, played with Baby, and let Mommy sleep until it was time for Daddy to go to work. When did getting out of bed at 730 am become such a luxury?

So much has changed in this past year. As I ponder all the changes in my life,  I have decided I have really gotten into the swing of things with this Mommy gig. If I could sum up what I have learned, I would say that… for me… there is no middle ground when it comes to Mommy emotions. When you are a mother… you live your life in extremes.

Apathy and Anxiety. 

These are my two extremes.

When Holden was first born I went from staring at him obsessively and needing to have him near me constantly… to having a mental breakdown because I felt like I would NEVER be alone again.

Oh hormones… I do not love you.

But seriously… how do you explain to someone without children that you absolutely crave alone time, but after only a short period of being alone ..you have an insatiable need to be with your child?  Could I be more bipolar?

The list goes on:

Anxiety: I still check on Holden every so often at night to make sure he is breathing…

Apathy:  He has started crawling and getting into everything. I have baby proofed, and I watch him as closely as I can… and all I have to say is that this stage is exhausting. It has gotten to the point that when I look over my shoulder and see that Holden has crawled over to where the books are hidden… and has started to forcefully attack Vince Flynn again…  all I can think… without even blinking an eye… is “Oh look… Holden is eating a book again… of course.”

Sidenote: Seriously.. this whole crawling and pulling up on thing has changed my life. Within the last twenty minutes, Baby has already fallen and bumped his head four times… I am not even exaggerating. I need to get the kid a crash helmet.

Apathy: It used to be if I saw something gross I would automatically gag and be grossed out. The idea of cleaning human feces was enough to send me across the room. Bodily function humor was not my thing. And while I am still a lady, I must say that I do not get grossed out like I used to… at all.

I am numb. Desensitized. My innocence is gone.

Example: I was laying in my teenage sister’s bed with her and Holden. We were having a lovely conversation when I realized Holden was about to crawl off the bed. So I reached over and pulled him close to me. I just kept my hand on his back as I continued to talk to my sister, but then I noticed my hand felt kind of grimy. I proceeded to  take my hand off Holden’s back and look at it.

Feces. 

My sister is horrified. Without even thinking I just muttered “Oh that’s what that was… just Holden’s poop. This is why I can’t have long nails.”

The look on my sister’s face changed from one of horror to one of disgust. Sadly, I was not even phased.

She also enjoys it when I smell his bottom or open his diaper and take a whiff to see if he needs to be changed.

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Anxiety: Holden has had really bad gas lately. I mean REALLY bad! He has even made me gag. What is worse is that when he passes gas he is LOUD. Like little man baby loud.

What the heck is going on in that little tummy?! We have already ruled bananas as a culprit for some of his gas problems. Curse you monkey fruit!

The worst part is is when it happens in public.

You know… casually standing in line with my adorable, smiley baby… just minding my own business and glorying in all the compliments I get on how beautiful he is. Proud Mama here.

And then it happens. The tummy gurgles… and it comes.

Baby totally rips a loud, smelly one right there in line.

What is a mother to do?! I certainly do not want people to think that I am unapologetically passing gas in line and forcing the surrounding public to wait in the stink.

So I do what any good mother would do.

I explain that my baby has exceptional gas powers and apologize.

But this strategy backfired…

I am met with looks that say “Sure lady.. blame it on the Baby”.

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I now just talk to Holden loudly about his gas problems and hope people understand. 

Do you have any stories of motherhood Apathy and Anxiety? Feel free to share!

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