Raising A Toddler Is Terrifying

Raising a toddler is terrifying. adcacb3357806b023d7f470650ed6602

T-E-R-R-I-F-Y-I-N-G.

I have found Holden, who just turned one, standing on the table yelling like Tarzan.

I have sat next to the bathtub reading a book, looked over to check on Holden, and to my horror, realized that he had pooped in the bathtub. But that story doesn’t end there. I then realized that Holden had decided to eat said poop. For all that is good in this world… WHY!? I just wanted twenty minutes to finish my book. Just play in the bathtub… unharmed… unable to destroy… for a few minutes… is that too much to ask? Apparently yes.

Did someone steal my debit card, driver’s license, and insurance card? Nope. My son just dumped my wallet out, and I have yet to retrieve these items. He probably threw them in the trashcan and now they are at the dump somewhere. Good thing I just LOVE the DMV.

Ohhh my goodness…. Why is his dirty diaper red? It doesn’t look like blood? But that is definitely bright red?! We need to take him to the ER immediately. Oh wait.. he got into his Aunt’s lipstick yesterday. He probably ate the whole tube… not just got it all over the carpet and his brand new Gap outfit. I am not looking at blood… I am looking at Penelope Red lipstick. So in case anyone wanted to know… lipstick does not digest well… and Penelope Red really holds it’s color.

But the worst story has to be this one:

The other day I left the dishwasher open. I left it open and walked out of the room. I left it open WITH DISHES AND SILVERWARE STILL IN SAID DISHWASHER. Rookie move. Why would I do something so stupid when a toddler inhabits my home?

When I returned to the kitchen, I did not find Holden sitting in the dishwasher like I usually do when I stupidly make this mistake. And no… I didn’t return to the kitchen because of I heard the cries of a child trapped under a full rack of dishes he decided to pull onto himself. Oh no… I wasn’t that lucky.

I returned to giggles.

Imagine my horror as I peer around the corner and see my 13 month old wielding not one, but TWO knives. Thankfully each hand is holding the knife by the correct edge, but my luck ends there because as soon as he sees me, he knows that what he is doing is wrong… and this makes him super excited.

He immediately begins to frantically stab the ground with BOTH knives. He swings those puppies back and forth and up and down. I feel like I am watching my child play that game where someone puts their hand on the table and stabs their knife in every space between their fingers… except that instead of fingers… it is his legs he is narrowly missing… and instead of it being a reckless teenager… it is my little toddler.

After the minor heart attack I experienced in this moment, I was able to grab the knives from Holden before we were in need of an ER. I remained in shock for the rest of the day. It still makes my stomach drop when I think about it.

The next day my Mom asked what the scratches on his leg were from…. maybe he went through some bushes?

No. Holden just thinks he is a ninja.

 

What are your stories?

 

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