43 Things Women Think About When They Go To The Doctor… And Ten Things Men Think Of

I recently was talking to my husband about all the things I think about when I go to the doctor.

It never ceases to amaze me how uncomplicated men’s thought lives are.

What women think about when they go to the doctor:

  1. Well I am here. Where is the pen to sign in?
  2. Oh how cute they put a flower on their pens!
  3. Wow the secretary lady has a cute family.
  4. I wonder how old her kids are? I wonder how old she is?
  5. Oh I am a little late… I think I will just round down.
  6. Where to sit? I think I will sit over here.. that way there is no one next to me.
  7. Hmm… I should read something.
  8. Seriously no People or US Weekly?
  9. Why do they only put out family mags and Sports Illustrated?
  10. Golf? There is an entire magazine devoted to golf?
  11. Oh Good Housekeeping… I guess it is better than nothing.
  12. Ooo… the food looks so good.
  13. I wonder if they are going to weigh me? MjAxMy1jZGRiMjdkZjA5OGU0MmZh_5251a63fc1a63
  14. I hate when they weigh me.
  15.  I swear doctor’s offices rig their scales so they weigh people heavier.
  16. They want me to have a weight problem.
  17.  Shoot. I wore boots. Will it be weird if I ask if I could take my boots off before they weigh me?
  18. Why did I eat so much beforehand?
  19. Seriously I should have worn shorts, flip flops, and a tank top.
  20. I probably can take away like 12 pounds due to the fact that I have eaten, I am wearing a ton of clothes, and their scale is probably broken.
  21. Time to go back.. it is the moment of truth.
  22. Screw it… I am totally taking my shoes off.
  23. Wow this is taking longer than I thought. I wonder if it is irritating her that I want my shoes off.
  24. I am never eating again. Seriously.
  25. I wonder if she is judging me? Should I say something?
  26. Well she isn’t the tiniest person either so she can’t judge me.
  27. Muscle weighs more than fat right?
  28. I think I will just put my shoes on in the room.
  29. I wonder if there are different sizes of blood pressure cuffs?
  30. Wow.. is my arm really that big?
  31. Good blood pressure and pulse. Thats right.. I may weigh a ton but I am healthy.
  32. Well time to wait 94804358 minutes for the doctor.
  33. Shoot I should have brought my magazine back here.
  34. Ahh.. this is taking too long.
  35. I wonder what they are talking about out there?
  36. I have never heard of half these drugs. I wonder if the doctor prescribes these exclusively.
  37. Why are they usually for birth control?
  38. Birth control reps do work.
  39. I wonder what is in these drawers?
  40. Maybe.. I will take a look.
  41. But what if they come in and catch me?
  42. Just one little peek…
  43. Oh hello doctor!

What men (according to my husband) think about when they go to the doctor:

  1. How long is this going to take?
  2. Oh magazine.. I will read… this one.
  3. Time to go back.
  4. Hmm.. cute nurse.
  5.  Blank. Nada.
  6. This is going to take forever.
  7. Blank. Nada.
  8. Time for checkup. Finally.
  9. Information.
  10. Done.

My husband was in awe of my list.

“I forget you sign in. Wouldn’t occur to me to look at the receptionist’s pictures. I don’t think about the magazines. Forgot you get weighed. Might as well be a white room with nothing in it… a black hole really. You go in… sit down… he tells you you are healthy or not healthy… what to do… then you go home. Seriously a black hole for time… don’t even know how long I am there. I don’t think I could even come up with fifteen things.”

 

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Mom Doesn’t Get A Sick Day

images-1I would just like to address something today… Something I miss very  much.

Sick days. Or rather the ability to recover from being sick.

Mothers don’t get sick days, and this is a terrible thing.

Oh you have a migrane this morning? Too bad. Baby still needs to be fed and changed at five am.

Did you just puke? Poor you, but baby is getting into the cupboard again and throwing the pasta all over the floor… and you do realize that pasta is a choking hazard right?

There have been times I have woken up feeling absolutely horrible, and all I wanted to do was sleep, but my buddy was ready to go for the day. So what do you do when you have an active child who refuses to sit in any bouncy play thing?

Here is my advice:

1. Close all the blinds so that your house becomes a den of darkness with just a touch of subdued sunshine… think hollywood recluse and/or a drug dealer’s place of residence.

2. Put some toys on the floor and pray that Baby finds them interesting. Understand that most likely these will hold his attention for max 5 minutes. MjAxMi04NDU3MGM5MmI0MmNhYzhh

3. Lay on couch. Close eyes.

4. Remind yourself to thank husband for baby proofing so that you can close your eyes for ten minute intervals without fear of poisoning and/or electrocution. (The fears Mothers have to deal with are ridiculous… but more about that later.)

5. Understand that Baby will come over and start banging on your face or maybe he will attempt to nurse from a standing position. Calmly pick Baby up and remind him that his toys are awesome, and he should not neglect them.. for the love of all that is good in this world he should not neglect them.

6. Lay back down, and pray for mercy.

7. When your Mommy senses kick in (not unlike spidey senses), and you abruptly sit up and frantically search for Baby… only to find that he is eating pieces of the WICKER BASKET holding your blankets… do not be afraid to grab some cheerios, put him in the high chair, and hope that this will keep him alive and well for a good ten minutes.

Now would be a good time to take medicine, visit the restroom, or maybe take the high chair into the bathroom and take a shower. You can explain the soggy cheerios all over your bathroom floor to your husband later.

8. If you are nursing, I am a big fan of nursing laying down. This position often puts baby and I right to sleep.

Disclaimer: If you do this, but baby wakes up and you still want to sleep.. so you let him crawl all over you and your face while you lay there and ask God “Why me?”.  And if you accidentally fall back asleep despite being accosted by your child… and only wake up right as you see your child sliding face first over the side of your bed… and are unable to grab him… And if you feel like the worst mother in the world as you try to console your crying child who you are sure probably needs to be rushed to the emergency room and is scarred for life… and if you call your Mom in tears only to have her tell you.. “Oh he is ok.. at least he landed softly on carpet. He fell off the couch onto the hardwood yesterday.You fell a ton as a child. He will be fine. ”

Know that you are not alone… Apparently there is nothing new under the sun and somehow our babies survive our mistakes.

 9. And finally… if you have this option because you are blessed like me…

Take the baby to your Mom’s/Mother-in-law’s house and get a good nap in while Baby gets some Grandma time.

Make sure to apologize for also being an unthoughtful child at one time to your mother when she was sick. Tell her you understand now why you thought she was impervious to any illness and how foolish that thought was… SO so so foolish.

Oh and congratulations… you made it to 10 am.

Here is to never being sick again. 

How Many Times Can You Reheat A Cup Of Coffee?

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I will never finish drinking a hot beverage ever again. 

I am now resigned to this fact. My house is constantly strewn with half empty coffee cups, and the waste of such a precious caffeinated beverage makes my heart hurt. (Not to mention the pain of realizing how much K-Cups cost :/ )

Why… why… why when a cup of coffee is now not only a luxury, but practically a necessity, can I never seem to finish a cup? One word:

BABY. 

Morning ritual:

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I lay in bed at 5 am praying that Holden will go back to sleep. He does not. We lay in bed together because I have a false sense of hope that the kid will fall back asleep. I spend the next hour having my hair pulled, face slapped, and chest accosted.

Sidenote: Holden loves to face plant into my chest and try to nurse. He latches on, and WITHOUT LETTING GO, he stands with his butt in the air and tries to climb all over me. While doing this, he also loves to move his head from side to side. It is such a fun game.

The kid is lucky formula is expensive.

 

So when I finally give up at 6 am, I believe that I deserve a nice cup of Joe. I put Holden down in the living room, and he immediately crawls to the bookshelf and starts to throw Stephen King  and Lee Child around… but I don’t care because those are Taylor’s books, and I need coffee.  

I sit down with my cup, inhale, and pray the caffeine makes me feel more human. Shortly after I start to consume my beverage, there arises a variety of things that stop me from drinking my coffee while it is hot. 

Holden is eating the computer cord again. Holden has fallen and hit his head (The first fall of about 87549045 a day). Holden is now eating the books… not just chucking them off the shelf. Holden is eating the rug. I can’t see Holden. Holden is in the cupboards. Holden is in the bathroom and wants to teethe on the toilet. Holden somehow figured out how to get DVD’s out of their case so he can see them glimmer in the sunlight. Holden is stuck. Holden is eating a shoe. Holden is eating an unidentified foreign object.

Holden smells. 

This is the worst one. Since eating real people food, the kid gets so so stinky, and it is not pretty. To make matters worse, Holden HATES laying still. He has also discovered his man parts, and they are good friends. I literally have to change his diaper one handed at first.  My mission is to get diaper off and somehow keep Holden from grabbing down there or flipping over before I can clean him up. Then comes the strenuous task of getting the diaper ON him.

It feels like child abuse. I am not going to lie. The kid will NOT sit still. He tries to flip the entire time. Twisting, turning, going stiff as a board… the dude is strong. I have had to actually put my legs on his little shoulders so that I can get that dang diaper on.

It is the same when I try to dress him. Heaven forbid I put pants on him.

But I must say that there are times that I don’t mind the interruption.

Like when…

Holden just wants to be held. Holden wants to sing with me. Holden wants to nurse and tenderly rub my cheek as he takes in the details of my face. Holden wants to lean back against me so he can put his cheek against mine… sometimes reaching back to hold my other cheek and squish our faces together. Holden pulls himself up on my leg and just smiles at me. Holden wants to sit on my lap and talk to me while sticking his finger on my nose and in my mouth. Holden wants me to make him giggle. Holden wants to dance with me.

On second thought, I guess cold coffee and a house full of half empty coffee mugs isn’t so bad.

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