Ten Ways You Know Parenthood Has Driven You (Slightly) Insane

1. Germs? What are germs? Apparently they only effect your child… because if your baby is screaming and you drop that pacifier on the floor… who cares if it is in the middle of a Walmart aisle? You stick that puppy in your mouth, suck off those germs, and pop it back in the babe’s mouth. Ya you go super parent… you are invincible.

elaine-s-germs-3-o

2. You contemplate whether or not you are going to wear your comfy yoga pants even though they have pee on them… or spit up.. or any unidentified stain. And I only say contemplate to appease the childless. Who are we kidding? They hardly smell. You are golden. Throw those babies on.

anigif_enhanced-buzz-24184-1349172981-0

3. You have in fact thrown a towel over sheets that have been peed on because you are too tired to change them. Maybe you did not even throw on the towel… maybe you just scooted over until said pee spot dried… and then you rolled over.

Maybe. 

tumblr_inline_mp0k67xFdG1qz4rgp

4. You find yourself singing nursery rhymes and swaying back in forth in public. Alone.

And people hear you.

idgaf-o

5. Shame is gone. GONE. Suddenly topics like hemorrhoids, tearing during childbirth, bodily function problems, and any horrific childbirth stories become great conversation starters. Who doesn’t want to talk to the lady who tore all the way from front to bottom over a nice glass of punch?

tumblr_m7vsfnshab1qd337ko1_500

6. You and your husband give each other pep talks each night as you attempt to get your baby to sleep in his own crib.

2013-08-23-hungergamesquotes23

7. You have matched your child’s cry in tone and volume.

783849

8. You have obsessively checked your infants breathing… sometimes in intervals of ten minutes. You also obsessively check that the doors are locked each night. You check that the car seat is installed properly and that your babe has been strapped in properly. Every. Single. Time. In fact, you get anxious whenever your baby is with anyone else because you know they will not follow your obsessive safety routine.

And you can now relate to those suffering with OCD and anxiety disorders.

tumblr_mevbodKLHe1rbj5v3o1_500

9. You actually find yourself enjoying doing monotonous things alone. Grocery store trip sans baby? Has Christmas come early? 

images

10. When you wear your pants/shirt inside out or backwards and some well rested person mentions it to you… you resist the urge to give them the middle finger.

I-dont-care-gif

 

Feel free to add a few of your own in the comments!! 🙂

Breastfeeding Bliss

I feel it has to be addressed. People always talk about the glory of nursing. Seriously, when I read about nursing while I was pregnant it all kinda sounded like this:

“Just so you know nursing hurts a bit at first… but as soon as you get the hang of it… the heavens will part and an archangel from heaven will come down and begin to sing songs of praise as you impart to your child the nectar of the gods.”

Basically… Nursing = beauty and euphoria

And before I continue, I must say I am all for nursing. I know about all the benefits for baby and Mom. I know that oxytocin (the bonding hormone) is released.

I know all this, and that is why I continue to nurse, but I would like to get real here.

Let me paint you a picture of my nursing experience the nursing mother:

It’s 1 pm and you are out and about shopping.. when you feel it. Your milk is about to let down. Great. Well at least they invented these wonderful convenient things called nursing pads. But wait.. why does your shirt feel wet. Oh ya.. that’s right.. your baby was having a meltdown while you were trying to get ready so you FORGOT to put them in.

To add to that.. you are wearing a white shirt and a black bra.

GREAT rookie mistake.

So now you must spend the rest of your shopping experience using your baby as a shield in order to block the two baseball sized wet spots on your shirt.

And you swear to never wear a white shirt again.

Fast forward to  2 am, and baby is crying.

He skipped his ten o’clock feeding. You know what that means. You have bowling balls for boobs.

Solid. As. Rock.

You could deflect bullets with these puppies.

Oh ya.. and they hurt.

Apparently you have a lot of nerves in your boobs that connect to places like your arm pits… all the way through your arms… your tummy.. etc etc..

And you learned this in the first few months of nursing when you could have sworn your newborn had teeth… maybe in a desperate attempt to get some relief from the gnawing… you even checked for teeth. 

Maybe.

So if you’re like me… you grab your baby, and you sit in bed next to your wonderful, sleeping husband and groggily begin to nurse.

Poor kid.. you are so full it is like drinking from a fire hydrant. You listen to him gulp furiously. You watch him try to swallow the tsunami of milk rushing from your slowly deflating bowling balls.

And suddenly… when he can’t handle the roar of the milk…he detaches.

And I have two words for you.

Milk. Everywhere. 

Just because you took the hose off the fire hydrant does not mean that the water got turned off… if you catch my drift.

And that’s when you hear it..

“What the heck!?” 

Yes you.. you sexy goddess you.. have just woken your sleeping husband by squirting him with breast milk.

All those fantasies he had of his topless wife waking him in the middle of the night have just been shattered with one fair squirt from your milk fountains.

Glorious.

funny5

SO maybe the heavens do not always part. The archangel does not always come down and sing to you. Nursing can be HARD *no pun intended* Sometimes you just want someone else to feed the kid. Sometimes you don’t feel absolutely beautiful. Sometimes you feel like a cow. Sometimes nursing throws a wrench into romantic moments.

But I promise it is so worth it.

 

 

 

 

 

Sleep Strike

MjAxMi1jNTg2MjI1YWI5YjNkOGVm

Sorry I have been absent for a bit.. I have been moving. I have also become a member of the walking dead club aka the Mommies whose babies hate sleep. Read on for more info:

So it has happened. Baby is on a sleeping strike. I have no idea what is going on, but I ask you…

WHAT HAPPENED TO *almost* SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT!!?

I beg you baby for all that is good and holy… why the sleep regression? I love sleep. You should love it to.

You see.. I know what really happened. I bragged about him. I opened my big fat mouth and said that he was great at sleeping… only wakes up once in a nine hour period… blah blah blah. Oh foolish Mommy.

I swear it is like babies have a radar that can tell when you are just starting to get comfortable in a routine or when you want to show them off.

“Oh she wants to take a picture of me because I am so cute and giggly… HA… watch me mad dog that camera. No smiles for you silly Mommy!

“I am such a good baby?You’re right I am, and you have it too easy… I think you should hold me all day or I will scream in octaves you couldn’t have imagined possible” 

Anyways… back to the sleep strike. Baby is waking up every three to four hours sometimes. I think the sleep strike started with the rejection of the pacifier. This has been one of the biggest losses for me. Seriously… I love that thing. God bless the pacifier. I mourn its departure from my life. I don’t even understand people who are against such a lovely invention. Last time I checked no one graduates from high school with said pacifier in mouth. So what is the deal?

But heaven forbid my baby accept this mute plug. He just wants the real thing… even when I know he just ate two hours before so there is no way he is hungry.

Yet he continues to wake… and when its 2 am and all you want is sleep… you don’t care what the good parent book says… you give them what they want and attempt to strain for whatever sleep you might get. In my case this means nursing laying down aka sleeping and nursing simultaneously. Yes I know… you can judge me. I am too tired to care.

Back to the pacifier… Every time I try to put it in his mouth he spits it out. He used to gladly accept the pacifier and drift off to dreamland, but now he knows about my deception. He wants the real thing. After spitting the pacifier out, he glares at me as if to say “Farce!! You sneaky woman. I know your game.” 

The fact that I imagine him talking to me shows you how much sleep I need.

bstn212l.jpg

By far my favorite time he decides not to sleep is at 4 in the morning. Nothing like a early morning right? Baby wakes up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed… cooing and smiling at me. Not to nurse… just to play and be merry.

No baby. There are no smiles at 4 in the morning. There is no happiness at 4 in the morning. Only loss.. loss of sleep and loss of sanity.

I know non first time Moms are thinking.. Welcome to Mommy world.

I just wish sleep loss wasn’t part of the initiation into this elite club.

Good thing I kinda like this kid 🙂

Screen Shot 2013-11-07 at 10.00.46 AM

 

Image from: www.someecards.com

Skip to toolbar