The Return of the Blog: Tales of Pregnancy Bliss

I am back! I apologize for the extremely long hiatus from writing, but I was off growing, birthing, and now caring for my own little human being. Since I am no longer in the midwest, I decided to make a new blog to go along with my new life. In my “About Me” section I have put the links to my old blogs in case you wanted to reminisce.

I have thought a lot about what my first post should be about. Should I dive right into my own personal birth story? Should I rehash the memories of my last days of pregnancy? Should I talk about what being a new mom is like? Well.. I have decided to go in chronological order. I have chosen to write a little snippet of my last few days of pregnancy followed by a list of things you should never say to a pregnant woman. Hopefully my family doesn’t mind reading about what was a strenous time period for them. Why was it hard for them when I was the pregnant one? Read on my friends… Read on.

I would like to start my story off with a picture. You know how they say a picture speaks a thousand words? In my case that is terribly true. I could explain why, but instead… just take a look:

Screen shot 2013-09-22 at 7.31.28 PM

This picture was taken on July 17… four days before the H-man was born. I don’t really think this picture does the swelling I endured justice. In the last few weeks of my pregnancy I felt ginormous. Because of the heat… and I assume genetics… I was retaining a ridiculous amount of water. Baby H had his little butt wedged all up in my ribs, and I swore the doctor was going to tell me that he had broken a rib… not to mention the bladder headbutting I endured. When I slept at night I would attempt to lay on a side… until that side went numb.. then I proceeded to hit Taylor.. who was soundly sleeping on the other side of the bed… so that he could be my own personal fork lift and flip me onto my other side.

To give you an idea of how big I was/felt… here is an example:

One evening Taylor and I were visiting his parents. We decided to sit outside in the nice cool night air. I wobbled out to the porch with everyone. This is when I made the biggest mistake of the night.. instead of sitting on the patio furniture.. I just grabbed an outdoor chair. It was one of those chairs made out of like sturdy plastic fabric. Well… after lowering myself into the chair (which took some effort that ultimately culminated into falling into the chair), I began to just relax and enjoy the conversation. Suddenly.. I hear a rip. And before I knew it..  half of my butt is hanging out under the chair. Yes.. you guessed it. Under my weight.. the chair had ripped. I just looked up at the horrified faces of my in-laws as they tried to stifle a giggle while trying to make me feel better all at once. I could have cried and laughed at the same time. Of course I would cause a chair to break in mid conversation… all belly my butt… my big fat butt.

So anyways.. by about 35 weeks… Gone were the “cute” days of pregnancy. I contend those days last about five business days, but I digress. I began to have a very sincere pity and understanding for the morbidly obese. My feet hurt.. scratch that.. my entire body hurt… I was so huge I could only wear Taylor’s clothing and even some of those shirts were not fitting me… only one pair of sandals could fit my huge feet… and there was no position I could get into that was comfy. I started to sweat more than any woman should due to the nice new layers of fat I had accumulated. I was out of breath walking up the stairs. So pretty much… I was grumpy. My mom later told me she warned people that were visiting me that I may be a little curt and unfriendly. I apologize to anyone I wasn’t nice to… Including, but not limited to the poor people at the grocery store. Public outings in crowded places were really not my thing while I was Large Marge. I was so irritable… having to swerve my cart around a string of people about drove me up the wall. I had to resist the urge to bulldoze my way through the aisles. Anyone hurt would be collateral damage I reasoned. I couldn’t be held responsible for the people who chose to take up the entire aisle with their shopping cart and children. I was such a nice prego lady. You see.. the whole world revolved around me and my discomfort. Seriously… in those last few days I just wanted that baby out.. I didn’t care if he had to come out of my nostril.. that baby needed out. Because of my obsession with giving birth and my discomfort I was pretty self absorbed. So I use this post now as an apology to my family for my chronic grumpiness. Sorry!

Anyways..  I would like to just end with the things you NEVER say to a pregnant woman unless you want to die a painful death by Hulk Smash. And yes all these things were said to me…

1. “You are only (insert number here) weeks along!? Wow. When my sister was that big.. she was about ready to give birth.(Awkward pause) But thats just probably because she is tiny.”

2. “You are (insert number) weeks along?! So is my daughter!! She is definitely not as big as you though…”

3. (In my last few very uncomfortable weeks of pregnancy) “This is your first child? Oh you are definitely going over your due date.”

–WOMAN… why on earth would you wish that upon me!! Hold on while I think of curses to rain down upon you.–

4. “Are you having twins? You are definitely having twins.”

       –Actually no I am not, but thank you for pointing out how huge I am.–

And in conclusion…


Please do not rub my belly if you are a stranger. Thank you.


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